Saving my Daughter from the First Bum

I told my beautiful daughter that she would have the green light to date once she turned 16 under close supervision pending she maintained honor roll status. Supervision would entail random phone checks without the slightest hint of attitude, “friend group” dates only and his participation in our family dinners and outings and the first grade slip, missing assignment, chore miss would result in the termination of this arrangement.

She enthusiastically consented to these terms and sure enough a few months before her 16th birthday, a boy I will call Trinity appeared next to her in the school library. After long silence she said, he asked if he could Face Time her.

They exchanged numbers and she told me about it that evening over family dinner.

A few days later, he called and she informed him that she has set screen time hours and a bedtime. He chuckled “this is different.”

After a few conversations she asked if I would meet him because she did not want to continue to build a friendship with him if I did not like him because she already “really, really, really” liked him.

I agreed that he could come over and have breakfast with us the following Saturday.

He showed up in ALL BLACK, red dread locks, smelling like smoke, with no belt and a bottom lip as black as tar. I told him that belts are required in my home and black hoodies are not allowed. I handed him a belt and a hanger.

He had a beautiful dark brown complexion (like her brother she declared), a very outgoing personality and an energy about him that said life of the party and trouble.

Trinity was polite, manner able and thought he said all the right things until I asked him to pull up his IG account that showed him throwing at least one gang sign.

He started fumbling and stumbling when asked how long he had been in a gang? He tried to convince me that it was not a gang sign but that his fingers involuntarily found themselves in those strange and awkward positions.

Little boy, please. I know gang signs and I also know one risks a beat down at minimum for repping a gang they are not in and in some cases may risk a bullet.

Hannah leaped at his defense. She was hushed.

I know what I know but needed more to hang him on otherwise I would risk alienating my daughter.

I told her that she could continue to talk to him on the phone and that I would continue to closely monitor the situation.

A couple of week later.

“Mommy, Trinity was expelled today because he was jumped in the bathroom and he BROKE SOMEONES JAW in self defense. The boy left in an ambulance.

I listened, and listened and listened over a course of a few more days.

The boy who she met in the library was now expelled. Facing charges. A liar and probably a damn thief.

Here comes the hard conversation.

Hannah, I know you like this little boy. He comes from a troubled past, his father is missing, his mother works five jobs, he doesn’t come from “your” life and you want to show him a better way. He has never dated a girl like you and has never met a mother like me.

He kept asking Hannah where my husband or sugar daddy was.

Bless his heart.

Fortunately for older Hannah and unfortunately for 15 year old Hannah, I was not allowing her to start off her dating life with the “Black Woman Rescue Syndrome” we are prone to victimize ourselves to.

Trinity and his problems are not her problems and she was not going to make them her problems.

She started to cry.

He is a bum. He is violent. He is not in school and soon and very soon will find himself arrested and facing charges. Kids who are not in school are kids who are always in some trouble and foolishness.

But Mommy….

Secondly, he does not meet my minimum requirements for someone you can date. He is not good enough for you.

Mommy, don’t say that. We met in the library and he is human therefore good enough. How can someone not be good enough?

He is no longer allowed in the library. Follow the bouncing ball, Hannah. Being human is a state, not a standard. There are minimum requirements to work at Dollar Tree and you better believe there are minimum standards for anyone to be apart of your life and a whole lot of people are not good enough!

Go ahead and cry and get it out of your system. You want some tissue?

I called him and told him not to EVER contact my daughter again. Do not call her, text her, message her or smoke signal her and his failure to do anything differently would result in the worse consequence of his life.

Click.

I blocked his contact, sent her father and brother a text, and sent word to my nephew who is serving life to call me ( a whole notha post). I did some energy, spirit work and hit the NOT ON MY WATCH button in the atmosphere.

Hannah was mad at me but not mad at me. She did not want to admit it but she knew I was protecting her even if she did not fully understand what I was protecting her from.

Fast forward, Michael. He saw her by following a mutual friends feed and was in awe. He messaged her and she asked if it was okay for them to talk.

I nodded yes.

Let me vet him.

4.0 GPA, social media fashion influencer, has his own clothing line, HS star athlete with Division 1 scholarship offers and really, really likes him some Hannah and proves it every opportunity he gets.

Watching her and whatever this is at 16 brings me so much joy. Helping her navigate through this time of development is so special. He really is a great kid and comes from a Great MOM HOME.

Michael has permission to date my daughter.

As we head off to college tours in a few weeks, he is now considering an HBCU because that is going. Oh and today I got another “Mommy guess what?”

Trinity was arrested and is in jail (another incident, not the broken jaw). My friends showed me the “Free Trinity” thread because you know, you blocked him and all accounts associated with him.

I stood up, opened my arms, pulled her close, kissed her on the forehead and just held her for a few moments.

Time for dinner. Set the table.