Happy Mothers Day to Me

Today, I celebrate 22 years of being Evans Mother and 16 years of being Hannah’s Mother. I separate the time because my journey as each child's Mother has been very different.

When I learned I was pregnant with Evan, I was 30 years old, newly married, living in Miami and soaring in my professional career while miserably married.

I was not sure if I was going to have a child, but once I made the decision, I never looked back. Evan, saved my life because he changed my heart. I jumped into the ocean of motherhood and immediately went to its floor. I needed to be at the bottom to see all of its delight, to feel every current, to be amazed by its wonder and overwhelmed by its weight and its power.

When I learned I was pregnant with Hannah, I was 36 and in the beginning stages of divorce. I was tired. I was empty. I was vulnerable. I was wounded. I was bleeding. As civil as I tried to make separating from my ex husband, he was hell bent on being chaotic and destructive.

I hid my pain as I pursued destructive personal behavior. As I sat through court hearing after court hearing, all I could was shake my head. “How in the hell did I get here?”

I got there by not trusting me. Believing me. Honoring me. Respecting me.

Hannah was conceived while I was trying to catch by breath. Not as a mother but as a woman. I had taken motherhood by the reigns and I was riding it very well. My son was loving, kind, centered, stable and beautiful…and he still is. I am not sure how I was able to live two lives. As a mom, I was a Saint. As a woman, a full blown Sinner. When I have random comedic confessions, my kids look at me like “Ma, what the hell are you talking about?” I mastered protecting them but I would hang my own self off the balcony while sipping wine with no panties on.

The beginning of Hannah’s life, was filled with a joy that only a beautiful little girl could bring. I was able to be distracted from my self and found peace on the ocean floor of motherhood…again.

Eventually, I returned to me and began to build a life that would be able to support and sustain my children and began becoming the kind of woman I could be proud of again. I went back to school and finished a lingering degree in Philosophy. I then began and completed another degree in Theology. I wrote some books, produced a stage play, found my voice and could see myself again.

I was a great mother, but very much a woman who I had neglected. I had to make my way back to myself. I was worth the effort. The trips I made every single day to Dana. Creating my happy. Maintaining my happy. Building my brand of wealth to sustain not only myself but my children and those grand children my son will have in a few years when he is married and ready.

The titles, deeds and streams are great but the greatest gift is that I feel this from my children every single day…

They show me. They tell me. They buy me. They celebrate me. They honor me. I started receiving the calls and gifts yesterday from them and those who love me, but the gifts I cherish the most are the ones that come from their lips…

Mommy, I LOVE YOU.

Love you, Ma.

Worth more than gold. My daughter is a beautiful reflection of God’s love. She takes my breath away, every single day and my son is becoming a man fit for a Queen.

I may not have always got Dana right, but I do Mommy very well and that is alright by me.

Happy Mother’s Day, Dana. You did good girl.